Please read these comments from my professor carefully and revise my essay based on them:
You are off to a good start here and have a great deal of information and research to work with. The main issue is that you are attempting to cover too many problems at once: Data collection/exploitation, tracking, voice/face recognition, gauging human emotion based on keystrokes/etc, targeting/social ranking, genome sequencing… yes all of these issues fall under the idea of “privacy”, but each one of these is a specific problem that you could spend the entirety of your essay exploring, rather than including ALL of them and not really digging far enough into any of them. It would be much stronger for you to chose ONE of these specific problems and really dig into it, show us the history of it/how it came to be, who is being most effected by it and who/what is the perpetrator, and then include the arguments of TWO SCHOLARS and put them into conversation in your essay (this is a major requirement of this assignment). Be sure to clearly introduce your scholars, their field of study/focus, their title (or explain how/why they are an expert and someone who’s opinion we should value), and the studies they’ve run or articles they’ve written that you’re using as sources.
Points were deducted here because you don’t have your annotations included and you’ve included no pieces of multimodality, which is a major requirement.
This is just a rough draft. Please help me revise the essay based on the rubric, comments, and prompts to let it be my final draft and could get a good grade.
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